Clarity in the Morning

I am on my journey to becoming a healer :)

I'm learning how to be a time terrorist (thank you lauren)

I'm learning to be patient because clarity will come (in my case early in the morning)

I'm taking my dietary habits to another level (veganism)

Clarity comes to those who are patient.

Clarity comes to those who are compassionate.

Clarity comes to those who are continuously empathetic to their environment/ community.


Angie shared a moment with me and it changed me. 13 minutes and I was another person.
One scoop of vegan coconut ice cream and I was a new. Thank you Angie.

LoveLady shaved her head :) She is changed. And has changed me.

Marci pierced her body thus queering herself. She is changed. And I am changed.

EricLady just got off a plane from England. He is learning not to be afraid again. He is changed.

And I am changed.

Thank you.

a love to hide

Tonight I watched another film about being queer during WWII entitled a love to hide.

As queer beings we must not take for granted the years of activism, the blood fallen, and the tears cried by our queer ancestors. Our queer history is very rich with great stories of love, success, and light, but it is too filled with violence, fear, and intolerance.

I'm not scared.

I recently read in a queer magazine that we should live every day out and proud. And the magazine went on to ask how do you live out and proud. At first, i thought how cheesy, but now i understand the message behind the cliche. If queer beings are to ever reach the point of acceptance we must be visible. We have to be in supermarkets, we have to be in classrooms, we have to be at bus stops, we have to be in california and illinois and michigan and etc.

I refuse to pass.

I have a queer body because my spirit is queer. I want people to see my body and recognize it is a queer entity attached to a vibratant queer spirit.

my sexuality (who i want to fuck) is the least of the worlds problems. my gender (which is outside the the realm of the binary gendered system we all know and have come to love, not!) will never fit into a nice neat niche for everyone to gawk at and understand.

let's embrace the complexity of being queer. let's embrace living in a world with unique beings. let's be compassionate. let's celebrate compassion. let's embrace our world with endless empathy.

okay, no more preaching from my end.

i love being queer. i embrace it whole heartedly. my queerness truly makes me unique, while uniting me with all other queer beings. that's beautiful.

listen, if you love drama (you know like baby mama type drama) and gay things (like men kissing) you should put a love to hide on your netflix queue. that's all i'm trying to say.

love.

an apology

i want to apology to the people that i've hurt.

i understand the way that i love is different from most.
and the way i choose to live is different.

i live my life unapologetically because i feel the world has been insensitive to me and most other queer non white bodies.

i want to embody complete compassion and true empathy.
that means realizing the world and its beings are going to be insensitive to me.

i love because it makes me happy.
compassion and empathy for others = happiness for me

i can only do my part.
exist in the most beautiful way i can.

sorry to those who are and were hurt in my journey of self discovery

my intentions were and will never be malicious

love

a public service announcement

"...i have been thinking a lot today about the need to possess. how do we love each other? is it a matter of remembering or a matter of forgetting?

i feel as if i have scraped my skin off the jambs of tight doors, sloughed off husks of selves and missed them so quickly, the way it feels to leave a body of water and feel the air -- in and out of light and dense fluids, amniotic and baptismal, metaphors and blah blah blah -- until i feel pinkish and naked as a fresh born runt who longs for the womb.

reversion, then.

so how do we remember each other without clamping down hard on a fragile thing. squeeze a bird and impale your hand on its ribcage. squeeze a plum and scratch your hand's lifeline wrinkle on the meaty seed. we are resilient and fleshy and bruised now. love is a matter of memory, and memory is a matter of pain mostly. still, i love. i'm letting go. letting things balance precarious on the palm, pressured only by gravity, which is its own battle, and the same force that pulls the hand down and away. still, no collapse between each other, no vise."

danny coeyman

untitled

scene: my apt. 1230am pacific time 330am eastern, sitting in a chair in the dark typing

i'm all about effective communication, but i'm starting to loose sight of what that really means

for example:
are you effectively communicating with someone who you make feel extremely uncomfortable?
are you effectively communicating if you leave little room for a response?
can you effectively communicate with someone without saying anything?

rhetorical questions of course

things i'm currently pondering.
not bad not good just annoying.

i'm really enjoying the people i've met in san diego. they remind me that you can be fabulous and conscious.

i wish nat was here. she would really enjoy california. she has a californian spirit (truly compassionate, layed back, and thoughtful.) it's weird because i've never questioned our friendship. i just know it's real. she's pretty fabulous and very conscious. i also, feel we can effectively communicate with one another.

ldub called me tonight and confirmed all my feelings and opinions on nat. it's weird how that stuff happens. i was thinking of her and receive a phone call from a friend actually in california confirming my feelings.

feelings are complicated because they are so personal

i dont think people empathize enough
i need that empathy gun from the movie "a hitchhiker"s guide to the galaxy." an empathy gun. the thought of that humors me. something as violent and forceful as a gun to tap into an emotion space that would really access effective communication among us beings to promote peace and love.

but the empathy gun has to be small enough to fit into my tote. cute, practical, and functional. that's to perfect :)

oh, and what exactly is the rule to calling someone you just met? i mean, how many days i'm i really suppose to wait?

that isnt a rhetorical question.
i really want to know.

love.

SanDiegoPride

So...
where should I begin.
i've had a hella long weekend.

friday night
@ bar with carpeted walls downtown
tam :)
ignorant drunken folks :(
noell :)
baha betties
grabby men :(
pass out some zines

@ the boathouse banga
queer hipster men everywhere :)
music was pretty fly
alcohol was flowing
hips were thrusting

saturday
hungover
parade :)
burritos
drinking
drinking
drinking
gone
festival was hot (in that gay way)
hung out with some porn stars (no i really hung out with porn stars) crazy i know.
beautiful drag queens
drinking
drinking
sexy black dready healer from austin ;)
fashion blog photos
french fries
slumber party :)

Needless to say, I had an awesome time.
love

Zero

Wednesday 18

As I sit in my apt. soaking in the silence, I smile.

tonight i finished my zine. i'm taking it to the printers (kinkos) tomorrow.

what a beautiful hump day :)

The completion of this body of work is so satisfying it makes the fact of my cell phone spazing out on me yet again not so bad.

When will you get your copies you ask.
As soon as I acquire all your addresses.

Okay, my jameson is starting to go to my head.
yes, i'm drinking alone in my apt.
it's so wonderful :)

who knew being an artist would be so much fun.
okay, i'm not going to lie. i knew.

tomorrows goals
print zine
fix phone
work
eat
yoga

I think I can handle that day.

Let me not forget to mention that I am now the proud wearer of zero gauge silver single flared earrings. pretty snazzy right.

love.

LovemonsterBling

so, today was an exciting day.

joe lovemonster is on day 3 of his west coast rode trip and stopped in good old san diego, ca.

he was a ray of light (not like madonna says, but like a lot of positive vibrations bring)

then laura and lisa lovemonster came over too!

i'm sitting in the midst of 3 nj based lovemonsters, well 5 counting lauren and myself, but she's kind of sleeping.

i woke up very early this morning (4am to be exact)
i went into work way early to help out. opener didnt show :(

i've been eating tones of carbs all day because i was so tired and trying to keep going- fueling.

but it all caught up to me and i conked out.

i'm wide awake now and i'm probably going to run a couple of errands (like laundry and stuff now)

i'm making new friends at work.
i met a very wonderful artist/ lovemonster. Her name is Tam and she's sooooo funny. like funny enough that she has me on the floor in laughter cramps funny :)

we're going to hang out this week, so that's something to look forward to.

this week is pride in san diego. an estimated 150 000 people will be at the event.
that is a crazy number :)

i also have my first california house party to go to this friday.
things are moving fast.
i wonder what i'll wear?

OHh!

and the best news of all.
lovemonster lady loves sold their first version of their jewelry line lovemonster bling.
it will be selling in a cute environmentally conscious store in university heights, san diego.
if your in town you can check it out. then check me out!

love

New Post

Is now an Old Post.

beers.

lesbians with sex toys.

fickle gay boys.

ugly.

tired.

must sleep.

life will be better in the morning.

Untitiled 13

Friday 13th

went to the beach and hung out with lovemonsters.

i missed people.

i embraced california.

then i watched the sunset (no green flash)

i miss...

i had a great coversation on the beach about
unconditional love
armpit hair
and nudity

i strive to love unconditionally
especially those with armpit hair and those who love to get naked

i ate mac, spinach, and veggie burger medley.
it was good.

i talked online for about an hour an a half with a boy i had lost
but found

i forgot to put up my away message
it said i was available, but i was looking for an eco friendly yoga mat

no mat
found friend

i wrote an email.

i must sleep.

love.

Who knew being domestic could be so much fun?

Tuesday July 10

:)
Yesterday I started work at the Hillcrest Starbucks. Long story short, I didnt have to wait the month or two to transfer from OB to Hillcrest; it happened in a matter of a morning.

Work was wonderful and meditative. It was nice to be around familar objects and a familar scheme in a foreign place. My coworkers were uberly friendly and very chill. I'm happy.

Sunday was an awesome day. Lovelady and I went to Balboa Park (San Diego's equivalent of Central Park) in search of a drum circle. Another long story shorten, we met a wonderful lady dancer artists healer love being at Cream (the cafe with the free wifi) and she gave us the skinny on anything dance and drum realted in San Diego. One of the events she told us about was an all afternoon drum circle in Balboa Park.

Now when we entered the park in search of this drum circle I was already comfortable with the idea of never coming across the drum circle. I mean, Balboa Park is huge. The directions we had were vague but surprisingly accruate. You know, the type of directions that kind of go take a left at the third shrub you see that is about 3 feet hight make a right then walk away from the sun kind of directions.

"Welcome home."
This is how we were greeted in entering the space. It felt warm and again so familar. We ate fresh fruit, listen to jambas and danced until sunset.

Back to last night though... lovelady made me dinner! It was so amazing.

Veggie Burgers
Fresh Salad with yellow peppers and avocados
and Sweet Potatoes
We washed it all down with two buck chuck from trader joes

we listened to erykah badu while we drank and ate and
laughed about how domestic our entire situation was

i'm really in love with this lady.

To add to all this good energy. I recently recieved mail. I love mail.
I recieved a card and a car airfreshner from my father welcoming me to San Diego :)
and a beautiful nyc postcard from gen welcoming lovelady and I to San Diego :)

Such positive vibrations.

Peaceful Revolution.

Love.

Imagination.

Thank you Thank you Thank you.

Day 10

I've been living in San Diego for a little over one week now :)

I'm not going to lie in the very beginning the days here were forever long, and now they move along with a rhthym that feels more natural to me.

I finally got a transfer. I'm working @ the OB (ocean beach) starbucks. I'm going to only be there temporarily. I'm looking to be transfered to a Starbucks in Hillcrest. Hillcrest is a queer neighborhood and it's a lot closer to my house then Ocean Beach.

I mean, OB is like a 15 minute drive. And Hillcrest is a 15 minute bike ride.
So, there both close. I just want to get off that petroleum.

I'm still looking for other work.

I went out on Thursday. It was my first real night out on the town. I went to a tattoo party at this bar called the casbah. It was nice to be out again. The people were beautiful of course and tatted up. There was a raffle for a free tattoo. I unfortunately lost. So, I got drunk instead. Jack on the rocks!

This awesome dance rock awesomeness band played call the view masters. Lovelady and i rocked out so hard to their music. During their last song the two vocalist jumped into the audience and danced with us. It was pretty sweet.

There's a lot of music in San Diego. You just have to look for it. Kind of like New Brunswick.

Bike. I'm trying to get a used bike so bad. This kid told me to go to the bike coop. He made it sound so easy. I googled bike coop san diego and a lot of nothing. I mean things come up, but not what i'm looking for exactly. It will come. Patience.

I need a refill on my tea. Love.

Bang! Flash! Marshmallows!

Notes from the beach...

July 4

I'm sitting on ocean beach watching the sun set. This is my first west coast sunset. The sun is warm the ocean is cool and I have to pee. I havent felt this alive since... the Grand Canyon. I'm starting to feel like I live in San Diego.

Lovelady and I made some friends today. We even exchanged no.s and made a play date for tomorrow.

I'm really excited to see and hear fireworks. I havent celebrated independence day in a couple of years.

The soundtrack of my life is currently Cat Power, the song baby doll. I'm thinking about Kevin and if what we experienced in NJ was real. It was so fleeting. Can love be so fleeting?

I saw a mermaid on the beach today. She had blond hair and wore a torquois dress. She seemed lonely and sad. I wanted to run up to her and return to the water where she belonged, but I don't want to miss the fireworks.

I smoked on the beach today. It was beautiful. California is changing the way I exist. The way I create. I love being a self proclaimed artist. I don't need critiques to validate me. I don't need tanigble pieces to prove I exist. I'm enough. I'm so real.

A small child just approached me to show me the crab his dad found on the beach. The child was happy the crab was in a orange bucket. This was the same child that earlier recieved a handshake from a six foot four man with a five inch mohawk. I like this kid. He is real.

Lovelady just flashed her vagina to all of dog beach. I said, "...they didnt see your vagina. it was quick." She said, "vaginas are pretty recognizable." I said, "...not yours. it's pretty special."

End of notes...

BeerPong

Sunday July 1

I found the ocean :)
The beaches in San Diego are beautiful. Lovelady and I went to Ocean Beach yesterday.
Imagine with me:
Beautiful and warm clear blue water
Sand for miles
Frat boys in a giant in ground sand pit with a table in the center built of sand playing beer pong (yes, you can drink on the beaches of san diego. Oh, and did I mention the beaches were free.)
Needless to say, it was wonderful.

After the beach we went to the only real big coop in San Diego, also located in Ocean Beach. Lovelady and I bought some groceries and met a very nice boy named Mike.

Mike was 17, tattoos everywhere, and jaded by his life experience in San Diego. Mike was moving out of town and headed north to Portland, Oregon. He described Portland as being a very vegan friendly place with an awesome punk rock scene. What more could a boy ask for :) I confirmed his description of Portland. Not that I’ve ever been, but Gregg LoveMonster lived in Portland for several years and his description of Portland was very similar to young Mike’s visions of the progressive west northern city.

Lovelady and I went home exhausted from all the sun and hungry as all hell.
Once we arrived at home our landlord, Marty, was running maintenance errands around the complex. Oh, to describe our apt. complex, we basically live in Melrose Place without the pool in the middle of the San Diego equivalent of Brooklyn without the brown stones.
Anyway, Marty was around. He lent lovelady a power drill and she went to work building her hot new bed. Unfortunately the bed squeaks and everytime she has sex I will know.

Marty is cool. He is so CA. Tanned tall and a very attractive older male.

Bikes are so in.
Bearded Boys on Bikes (my favorite) are very present :)

Okay, I have tons of errands to run.
LoveLoveLove.