Healing Vibrations

sometimes i feel like this is all a funny joke and the ultimate energy (ultimate energy doesnt evoke feelings and images of a white heterosexual hippyesque man aka "god") is leading me in one direction and one direction only. I mean, I take different paths, but I still come to the same place.

today more than ever before I felt like I was truly destined to become a healer. to make a long story short i will be attending Pacific College of Oriental Medicine and receiving a Masters in Chinese and Oriental Medicine. pretty rad, no.

my parents are not surprisingly freakishly happy for me and ubberly supportive.

tuesday is the first day of classes. i'm taking 17.5 units and none of that will have to be biology or biochemistry because Rutgers will be transferring over those credits. thank you. instead, i have filled in those credit spots with therapeutic massage classes. i know what youre thinking, "i cant wait for kelly to do some work on me." i would love to, naturally.

my course load looks like this
herbology
circulatory massage
introduction to chinese medicine
a fundamentals class
tai chi
a two other classes that escape me right now

the program is very cool, if i do say so myself.
i will be observing needling work (acupuncture) the beginning of next semester.
i'm really looking forward to learning how to become a holistic healer.

where does this all leave my art?
good question.
i'm not sure. i have full intention to continue to do performance art (dancing, writing zines, participating in anarchist activities) but i'm sure learning oriental medicine will start to change what my art looks like.

i look forward to it.

as for right now, i'm flippin exhausted.
an hour and a half class of kat's african dance class today. killed me.
my biceps ach and my abdomens feel like they want to cave in.

i love a good work out.

Half Nelson (Watch It)

So,

I'm sitting in my purple american apparel underwear (the one with all the paint all over it) and i'm thinking about dialectics.

I'm changing (how trite of me to write)

I'm becoming less afraid (trite too) and I want to establish myself as an artist and healer.

I was sitting in my living room last night (which still remains partially unfurnished) stapling together copies of my zine. I had copies all around me. A sea of queer pink pamphlets that hold my politics and art. And I decided there that I truly am crazy.

I traveled across this country simply on a feeling. I felt it was the right thing to do (trite?) As my days pass by I find myself doing more things that make me happy. Also, a queer concept.

Being queer is becoming so passe.
I will continue to identify as queer because language has yet to catch up to what it is that I really am.
But, I refuse to continue to behave queerly. Instead I will behave like the eccentric polyamorous artist/ healer/ dancer/ fashionista/ hipster that I feel to truly be.

I will ride my yellow bike and continue to think about dialectics.

I will smile at passing people.
I will enjoy the rest of today.
And I will continue to change.
See the thing is youre changing too.

Life isn't bad when your biggest problem is whether to wear your heels or your flats.

I'll go with the heels.

what a long saturday

Saturday August 18

This morning I awoke determined to make it to Black's Beach- for those of you who are non San Diegans , Black's is the queer nude beach in San Diego. It's kind of elusive. I mean, finding directions to this place was kind of difficult. I've attempted a couple of times to go to Black's and have been quite unsuccessful- Anyway, I wanted to spend the day in the sun and not be restricted by any clothing (including my small orange swimming trunks.) Lovelady and I headed out around 1230p. We headed down the 5 blaring the screaming females. Thank you lovemonsteralexis because your directions were the bomb diggity.

We arrived at the glider port and had to hike almost 20 minutes down a cliff to make it to Black's. We were welcomed with beautiful clear water and naked men and women. We hurried to find a spot on the beach and immediately stripped off all our clothes. I was impressed and surprised by my lack of apprehension to be nude in front of all these strangers. I guess when in Rome do like the French.

And what a beautiful day in the sun :)

After about a 4hour day at black's lovelady and I decided to make the 20 min hike back up this monstrous cliff. We were invited to "The Center" to attend a transgendered meeting at 530p. After a quick trip back down the 5 blasting the end of the screaming females cd and the beginning of the blows cd we made it home in time to quickly eat left overs and make it to the center 10 minutes late.

The meeting was amazing. It was so nice to be around individuals who transcended queerness. I met and talked to at length a couple who both identified as transgendered and modified their bodies to look closer to their inner selves. The transwoman identified as lesbian and the transmale identified as gay but they were in what I perceived to be a heterosexual relationship. Wow! What a trip. I loved every second of this beautiful interaction.

This amazing interaction coupled with this great book I'm reading Pomosexuals (post modern homosexuals) made me increasingly aware of how my own personal identity is changing and developing. I am moving in a direction were my identity
1. does not have to match the way I behave
2. is pure love
3. seeks to meet souls and energies that I am attracted to

Needless to say, it was a good evening. After the meeting lovelady and I went to a art reception at Cream (the cafe in university heights.) It was cool until I was ignored by a boy that I thought I had recently worked out the kinks of our relationship. I mean, I guess I can empathized with why he ignored me.

he was with his boyfriend.
i'm complicated.
he was with his boyfriend.

so, my night resolved with lovelady and I walking around town blissfully high talking about vanity.

lovemonster

this is how i roll

untititled

current mood: unsettled

if it makes you feel good then embrace it.
san diego makes me feel good. so, i embrace it.

drama makes me feel bad so, i'll replace it with things that make me feel good.

i stretched in the park today. that felt good.
i sat around a fire listening to live drumming and eating vegan goodness. that made me feel really good too.

i spent the bulk of my day with a new friend.
he is beautiful. his energy is unreal (some serious positive vibrations)
he makes me feel good

i'm left unsettled because there was a shift in energy tonight
i know it's natural
every ying needs a yang
but...

i refuse to participate in juvenile displays of affection.
don't hit me because you like me.
(that didnt really happen)

show me love
and send me positive energy

anyway...

i'm tired and this entry is not being articulated very well.
goodnight

Marigold

I got my bike
I got my bike
she is beautiful
yellow in fact
like the sun
i think i will name her marigold ;)
I got my bike
I got my bike

Healing Vibrations

i've had the two most beautiful days of my life.
days filled with tons of healing vibrations and love.

laughing meditations
yoga
assisted stretching
dinners
drum circles
the beach
lovemonsters

i'm opening myself more (can you believe it) and letting myself flow in the breeze of san diego
it's taking me to places i never dreamt of going.

i felt love today.
heart pulsing love.
palm sweating
knee shaking love.
it felt wonderful.

it all is happening so fast, but thats the way of the universe.
you manifest your desires.
i desire love and lovemonsters and community
and it's building before my eyes.

i wanted to kiss you tonight.
but it would have been to soon.

lovelovelove

Little Donkey

I hope those of you who have received a copy of my zine are enjoying it.
If not...
i think it could serve as a wonderful door jam.

so i'm living in san diego.
and i'm meeting people.
and i'm flirting withall these cute boys.
and i meet this beautiful woman.

yeah! i said woman.

she's absolutely wonderful.

she speaks in terms of energy
she believes in fluidity
and she is a lovemonster

i'm not going to lie, i feel conflicted
i've spent a long time queering my body
and i know being with a woman would never take away from my queerness
but...

i've read to many Shakespearian plays where male "fraternity" or better male love resolves in heterosexuality.

that latter resolution is one of submission and conformity

i love the essence of individuals
i think this woman has a beautiful essence

i'm only conflicted by the exterior body
and what it represents in a western white misogynistic heterosexual culture

that being said...
i shaved my facial hair.

my face is bare.

i guess i'm trying to have my interior essence be more congruent with my exterior aesthetic being.
or something like that...

Things that I'm over:

I'm over working till 12 am
I'm over working myself till i'm exhausted
I'm over not being able to hang out with lovelady
I'm over obnoxious, over caffeinated, pretentious, snobs
I'm over compromising my health and personal moral ethics
I'm over my pay check not reflecting the work and time I've been putting in
And last but not least

I'M OVER THE BUCKS