Monday, October 13, 2008

i cant sleep once again

i had a really important conversation with alvina today :)
it was about passion.

as i proceed through my program i ask myself constantly, "are you passionate about TCM?"

my answer is always wordy and complicated but never simply yes.
morally, i guess this makes me a bad person.
i mean, someone else can be in my position who truly has a passion for this medicine.

but, thankfully my moralistic belief system isnt so self-deprecating.
TCM is more of a means to an end.

i have a bigger picture in mind :)
and i'm not going to lie its pretty fierce.

so what really is keeping me up?
i've been feeling lonely.

i know hard to believe.
i surround myself with some of the brightest and most beautiful people
this city has to offer and i feel lonely.

what this program is doing to me is consuming my time.
thus not allowing me to truly enjoy moments like a usually do.
thus leaving me feeling lonely. or at least in the presence of my towering stake of books.

i struggle with balance.
i find the only way i can be successful at this medicine is to submerge myself in it.
but i'm hydrophobic and prone to drowning.

i need help staying a float.
i need to be reminded that i'm missed.

it's hard to watch the world move forward seemingly without you.

i mean, i'm partially rational, understanding this is only temporary.
but i like the world have multiple truths and i am completely irrational.

i want to still feel present.
i want to still feel apart of the motion of everyday life.

i want to lay in bed with a boy.
in particular my partner.
but he's busy too right now

so, i'll go to bed alone.
or at least just lie there.

i ask i am self deprecating.


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