i had a really important conversation with alvina today :)
it was about passion.
as i proceed through my program i ask myself constantly, "are you passionate about TCM?"
my answer is always wordy and complicated but never simply yes.
morally, i guess this makes me a bad person.
i mean, someone else can be in my position who truly has a passion for this medicine.
but, thankfully my moralistic belief system isnt so self-deprecating.
TCM is more of a means to an end.
i have a bigger picture in mind :)
and i'm not going to lie its pretty fierce.
so what really is keeping me up?
i've been feeling lonely.
i know hard to believe.
i surround myself with some of the brightest and most beautiful people
this city has to offer and i feel lonely.
what this program is doing to me is consuming my time.
thus not allowing me to truly enjoy moments like a usually do.
thus leaving me feeling lonely. or at least in the presence of my towering stake of books.
i struggle with balance.
i find the only way i can be successful at this medicine is to submerge myself in it.
but i'm hydrophobic and prone to drowning.
i need help staying a float.
i need to be reminded that i'm missed.
it's hard to watch the world move forward seemingly without you.
i mean, i'm partially rational, understanding this is only temporary.
but i like the world have multiple truths and i am completely irrational.
i want to still feel present.
i want to still feel apart of the motion of everyday life.
i want to lay in bed with a boy.
in particular my partner.
but he's busy too right now
so, i'll go to bed alone.
or at least just lie there.
i ask i am self deprecating.